So you think you’re becoming a shopaholic?

Escaping the confines and loneliness of the four walls of your home, you set off on foot with a weary plodding tread, get out the bicycle, board the nearest bus or train or rev up the car engine ready for your next foray to a local shopping centre.  You might have made a shopping list but probably left it at home, may not know or will have forgotten what you’re going shopping for, or even need to go shopping at all, but something compels you to make for a place where there are people, voices, lights, warmth but most of all, distractions and to stay there for as long as your energy or purse holds out.

If this sounds familiar, take comfort from the fact that many of us, especially in the early stages of widowhood, seem to find ourselves spending hours, even whole days, wandering alone around supermarkets, garden and shopping centres and stores.   With restless minds that change almost by the minute and definitely by the hour or day, we move from shop to shop, counter to counter picking up and replacing one item after another, feeling aimless and purposeless.  We hold imaginary conversations with our late partner, bringing to mind their voice and their most likely reactions learned over a lifetime of other shared shopping expeditions,  “Not that colour, too this or that, I always like you in blue, you know I loathe, … etc.”  Eventually, usually from weariness and frustration or the need to have something tangible to show for the shopping expedition, we settle on a purchase, take it to the cash desk, pay for it, make our way home and even before we’ve arrived, decide for one reason or another that it will have to be returned.  Next day the process starts all over again. 

A similar pattern of shopaholic behaviour may happen with mail order or internet shopping in the certain knowledge that the postman or courier will eventually knock on the door with a parcel, a few cheery words and a break to the isolation of the day.  Needless to say, we dither over the purchase and change our minds countless times before parceling it all up and sending it back.

Discussing this phenomena with widowed people it seems that many are driven to frequent shopping areas to escape the claustrophobia of being home alone for many hours each day but the prime cause is that essentially and quite naturally, what we want and seek is the one thing we can’t have – our partner returned to us safe and well. All else, especially shopping, is mere distraction but can of course put a strain on finances.  If that’s a real concern it would be advisable to talk it over with a member of the family, a close friend, doctor or counselor. 

It’s perhaps interesting to consider why we may become so indecisive during this major transition in our lives, the very fact of which can leave us feeling insecure, inadequate, lacking in self esteem and floundering for emotional and mental stability. There are of course well documented psychological and physical reasons why these things may be occurring and of course it’s important to share such experiences with a suitably qualified person but there’s also much we can learn from the personal, first-hand experiences of those who’ve been widowed.

Inevitably, when we share our life with someone, especially over a long period, a kind of telepathy develops. We know each other’s likes and dislikes, sense moods and reactions, compromise with each other for the sake of harmony and most importantly, share much of the decision making.  Suddenly and possibly for the first time in our adult life, we’re totally responsible for the decisions we must and will make. That can feel quite burdensome and scary but is perhaps the very first step to becoming an independent individual! 

Over time, as we become better acquainted with and more accustomed to pleasing ourselves, it can be quite liberating to  develop our own unique style and with that comes a greater sureness when shopping or making decisions generally, whether it be the colour of a carpet, what to have for dinner, which TV programme to watch or what to wear.  The shopaholic tendencies lessen and shopping becomes more focused, purposeful and enjoyable.

Probably the most helpful thing is to find a person similarly widowed to go on shopping expeditions with so that you can curb each others wildest extravagances or impulses, have a coffee and laugh over your near misses.  Sunday Scene Breakfast Clubs are currently confined to parts of West Sussex but Cruse Bereavement Care run support groups in some towns, the National Federation of Women’s Institutes offer support to their widowed members and many towns councils or branches or Age Concern offer day centre activities – all good places to find support and possibly an empathic buddy!

©Jacquie Clarke LLSA Adv. MIFA
 
Cruse Bereavement Care     
Day by day National Helpline
0844 477 9400
helpline@cruse.org.uk

National Federation of Women’s Institutes
020 7371 9300
hq@nfwi.org.uk

Age Concern
Find a branch in your local telephone directory