Five Years On

I am well aware that in the early weeks, months and years of widowhood, no matter how positively one approaches the situation, the future can stretch into infinity with little sense of enduring purposefulness or meaningfulness. I so needed someone to reassure me that the anguish and aloneness of widowhood would ease and that life would have meaning again and yet at the same time found it difficult to acknowledge that it could ever be so. I saw some widowed people quickly fall in love again and marry or establish new relationships, indeed was even instrumental in helping it to happen, but personally never wanted to settle down again so quickly.

During the last few years of my husband’s life we had built up a large and necessary support network, people were constantly coming in and out of the house to provide medical or domestic support and I had given up practically all outside interests to become a full time carer, so when the final release came and much of the support network died with him, I very suddenly discovered a big void, indescribable loneliness, aloneness and much exhaustion.

My first year of widowhood was filled with both major and less challenging adjustments, the second year brought resignation along with lethargy, after the third year I seemed to be on a cusp of forward movement into acceptance but at the end of the fourth year the sense of bereavement was diminishing and I was beginning to make some progress as an independent woman. Much of what was happening was recorded in the Editorials on my website and can still be accessed in the Editorial Archives. Now, at the end of the fifth year of widowhood I have a strong inner confidence in knowing who I am and where I’m going and the time feels right to share my experiences.

From the start I perceived that the world had much to offer but standing at the crossroads it was impossible to know which path to choose. Some people might wander hither and thither, exploring and experimenting or have a life sustaining interest to absorb them but for me it was very much a case of staying secure in my sanctuary and feeling my way intuitively along the right path. Sometimes it seemed as though the way would never become clear but still I focused on the belief that in my late sixties, it was more a question of quality than quantity that I sought. I needed to let go of things that no longer worked for me and to discover activities that would bring the greatest joy and fulfilment – the innocent, totally absorbing pleasures like those of childhood pastimes.

During the early years people came and went from my life, I immersed myself in writing a book about bereavement, helped other widowed people by starting clubs, entertained a lot and even thought I’d found love again, but with the passing of time all these scenarios dissolved, leaving me with a clear sense of self identity and the inner strength to grow.

It has to be said that whilst in the early years, there were many sad and lonely times, for the most part I kept myself fairly well occupied and by a process of elimination have now reached a point where I largely do what I enjoy doing and life once again has purpose. It isn’t the same purpose that being a wife, husband or partner brings – the responsibilities within a relationship, the loving, caring, giving and sharing, compromising or supporting role within which one can become comfortable and even complacent, but brings an awareness that I am a unique individual, living on this planet in the 21st century, with a clearly defined role to play in helping us all to co-exist globally.

A move from my ‘traditional’ family home to a modern property and a new community created a whole new energy and called for much creativity in integrating possessions into a contemporary home. Today all that remains is my sitting room furniture but the setting is quite different, reflecting light, spaciousness, elegance, a warm welcome and ‘zing’. I love the newness of everything, the small but intimate garden perfect for entertaining on sunny summer days and the wonderful view from my third floor windows overlooking the South Downs. It no longer upsets me to pass my former home, even though I have a sense that I’d only need to be able to open the front door to walk back into my previous life, but whenever away, I now look forward to returning to my new home.

Over the last year I’ve rediscovered the enthusiastic, adventurous eighteen-year-old that I’d been before marriage and with that recalled some of my early leanings. In those days I battled with raging hormones, the ambition to be an actress, ballet dancer or social worker, to travel the world, have a career and also to toy with an oddly juxtaposed yearning to become a nun leading a deeply spiritual life. Looking back, I can see how, despite the family commitments of being wife, mother and daughter, I’ve managed to fulfil most of those ambitions but at different levels of accomplishment and involvement. I became an employment counsellor, staff trainer and manager during a career spanning twenty-five years then went on to follow a further career as a health therapist, tutor, writer and entrepreneur.  Music, the great love of my life, manifested in singing with choirs, operatic societies and other participative entertainments including dancing and a deep affinity with nature and herbs led me to study herbalism. The spiritual aspect of my life which was initially rooted in the church led me to study alternative religions, to integrate meditation into everyday living and to search in many directions for answers to the meaning of life and my purpose on the planet.

More recently I took the decision to wind up the organisation I’d created to help local widowed people and instead to put my energies into developing the Widowed World website through which I could reach out to people globally.  It’s good to be embracing modern technology and because of it I also get to communicate with and to meet new people from around the world.

Life has been pretty topsy-turvy with some of the people most important to me taking themselves out of my life whilst at the same time I’ve become re-united with long lost family members. Friendships with incredibly loyal and wonderful people have become deeply connected at soul level and new opportunities, whilst encompassing many long held interests and areas of expertise, are coming together in new and exciting packages. Amateur film making provides opportunities for writing, directing, editing, photography, music making, acting, participation in workshops and team work on projects with my local ‘film club’.  Musical interests are focused on singing with a choir, performing at folk clubs with a girlfriend and being actively involved with community music making. The website calls for constant research and collaboration for new content whilst membership of www.CouchSurfing.com enables me to offer overnight accommodation to globe-trotting members and to learn about and appreciate different countries and cultures. Underpinning all this is the profound level of purposefulness I’ve found in working with higher consciousness to broaden my outlook and develop global awareness.

My family members have never ceased to encourage me to follow my heart and intuition and they continue to share my life in a variety of ways – not least a delightful eighteen month old great granddaughter who brings great joy.

On the romantic front, for much of the time I believed that I could only be truly happy again if I eventually found another man with whom to share my life but a few recent experiences have left me with the certain knowledge that having found such independence, self reliance and freedom, it will take a lot to persuade me to enter into another traditional relationship.  Strangely, the things I thought I wanted or needed from a relationship no longer apply as I’ve created most of them for myself anyway and also love and am equally loved by many people. Someday maybe I’ll meet a man with whom I can enjoy a mutually life enhancing union but meanwhile, I have a great time with my single and partnered friends, life is pretty good and I intend to live it to the full. Right now I feel a new adventure coming on involving travel, music and harmonic convergence with other cultures.

On reflection I know I’ve needed to work at building a new and meaningful life and that it didn’t happen overnight.  There have been many stages to work through, frequent advances followed by setbacks, disappointments, psychological and emotional breakthroughs, challenges, achievements and misjudgements but the journey has been worthwhile and I’m now reaping the benefits.  There are compensations in widowhood and in loving memory of our dearly departed, it’s best we honour them by making every minute of the rest of our life count.

Reach out for what you intuitively know is right for YOU regardless of what other people might say! Live, laugh, love and be happy.

Jacquie Clarke
Widowed World
May 2009