New Life Makeover
We hear a lot about makeovers nowadays and there are countless television programmes about them. There are garden makeovers, house makeovers, personal wardrobe makeovers, fitness & health makeovers and countless more. It suddenly struck me that whilst not made into television programmes, there are also ‘widowhood’ or ‘new life’ makeovers! People, who suddenly find themselves alone, very often after a long partnership, have to completely remake their lives with little practical help, guidance or specialist input. No ‘team’ arrives on our doorstep to wave a magic wand and transform our depleted life into one of self-sufficiency, independence and fulfilment. And yet, looking back over my first five years of widowhood I can clearly see the transformation that’s taken place both externally and internally as I’ve learned to live alone.
In the early days, any decision takes momentous effort and yet almost from day one there are decisions to be made and taken largely alone, instead of in consultation with and taking into account the preferences of our life partner - all decisions that begin to reflect our personal choices. This happens simultaneously with the necessity of beginning to dispose of our late partner’s possessions – such as hobbies equipment, clothing and the cancellation of clubs memberships along with any associated social activities. Having dealt with those things we may find that we want to change our living space a bit. We may choose to sleep in another bedroom or another bed, to turn a spare room into a study or a study back into a guest bedroom, to re-arrange furniture to suit ourselves, to make the garden easier to manage or to create a new garden space. We may pour over countless paint charts and make some expensive mistakes choosing the wrong colours to redecorate a room but all this is part of the exciting and adventurous process of discovering who we, as unique individuals, really are! As ever, our experiences help to shape our future.
Life experience one - becoming more assertive
On the external front, my first priority after my husband died was to convert his amateur radio room into a computer room. That way I was able to comfortably accommodate all our family for the first time, providing them with comfortable beds instead of makeshift mattresses and sleeping bags as in the past. At some stage a roof leak into my bedroom damaged wallpaper so I then had the opportunity of choosing beautiful new paper and paint and a team of painters was sent in by the insurance company to carry out the work. Having a bunch of cheerful tradesmen in the house was therapeutic and I happily supplied them with steaming cups of tea and coffee and enjoyed their banter. We talked through practical problems that arose and all admired my choice of wallpaper. To my horror, later one evening after they’d left, I went into the room to have another look only to discover that half the very expensive Italian paper already hung was upside down! Never good at confrontational situations, I spent a sleepless night wondering how to deal with the problem, something I might previously have left to my husband, but by morning had realised that I was the customer, the job had to be done properly to satisfy both me and the insurance company and that it would therefore all have to come off again at the contractor’s expense. When the tradesmen arrived, I calmly and pleasantly but firmly pointed out the problem and it was resolved with goodwill on both sides. My bedroom looked great and I felt a little glow of warmth knowing I’d handled the situation satisfactorily.
Into my second year of widowhood and burdened by the financial and practical upkeep of an old property, I tried to sell my cottage but buyers were put off by the state of the thatched roof. Secretly I was glad because I really wasn’t ready to leave the home I loved and all the memories that were woven into its fabric.
However, taking the bull by the horns and at great financial cost, I then took out a loan (on the basis that it had to be done and the cottage would eventually be sold anyway) and had a ‘thatch’ makeover. Throughout the cottage I made countless small changes; a picture here, a piece of furniture re-sited there, changes to old routines and in my life the introduction of new activities, a little entertaining and the gradual disposal of other bits and pieces that no longer had a purpose in my life.
Life experience two - Negotiating a win-win situation
Meanwhile my husband’s pride and joy, his spacious garden workshop and the envy of many men, had been emptied. I could still feel his presence and sensed the dismay he would have felt at the loss of his lifetime collection of tools, timber, cycle spares and other equipment. Standing by a village notice board one day awaiting the arrival of our mobile library vehicle I idly read the notices. One small notice was curled up and I almost ignored it but curiosity got the better of me. Unrolling the paper a handwritten message read that someone was looking for a small area of storage space in which to store bicycles. In the latter years of his working life Denis had run a bicycle repair business from his workshop and this seemed just too much of a coincidence! I wrote down the telephone number, rang it when I arrived home and discovered that the person in question lived just a few yards from me. This seemed a heaven sent opportunity, I needed to increase my income and the workshop was perfect for storing bicycles but there was the question of what to charge and I had no idea. Having phoned a few friends to get their opinion my neighbour and I stood in the empty workshop space and gently negotiated to a point where we were both satisfied, a win-win situation. Maybe there were a few more pounds to be extracted but I felt pleased that the workshop would be put to good use, there would be someone coming up and down the garden adding to my sense of security, that I was helping a neighbour to set up his own small business and that the income would help pay the loan for re-thatching.
I’d always done the gardening and Denis the lawn mowing but when we no longer shared the beauty and tranquillity of the garden interest waned and it all became a chore. I so missed his periodic trips up and down the garden between workshop and cottage, the brief chats throughout the day, the cups of tea and coffee, the togetherness. Everything continued to remind me so much of the forty four years during which we’d built a life together and intuition was beginning to tell me it really was time to make a significant move.
On the internal front, there had been all the necessary paper and legal work to deal with, the changing of bank and other accounts details, the hundred and one practical tasks needing attention for which I was ill equipped, the frustrations of dealing with ’services’ and the coping with dreadful, barely unremitting loneliness and aloneness. I needed companionship but sometimes it was less painful to stay at home, behind closed doors rather than have to keep meeting and explaining my loss to well meaning acquaintances; spending time with ‘couples’ accentuated my loss and it was very hard to put on an act of enjoyment. The mechanical ‘smile’ never reached my eyes or heart! Nonetheless, I was aware that day by day I was growing stronger, that each small decision had started to reshape the way I felt about my surroundings, myself, my life and my future. I read books about widowhood, went on a once in a lifetime holiday to America and Hawaii, threw myself into writing and setting up clubs for other newly widowed people, struggled with a very unreliable memory and numbed brain, changed my mind frequently and disconcertingly for those seeking to support and encourage me, but all the time took strength from the fact that I was not only surviving but also achieving.
Lesson three - I can do it!
It may be co-incidental but life changing events seemed to come in waves and the next big one was the sale of the cottage. A buyer appeared the very day the property went on the market and six weeks later I was effectively homeless. Closing down my home was stressful, not helped by the fact that I broke a toe two weeks before the move and painfully hobbled around at snail pace as the deadline approached. Determined to make a fresh start in a new home, many familiar possessions were disposed of and all that remained was taken to storage. Come the day of moving out I went from room to room, removing the final remnants of the life I’d shared with my husband, family and friends. Every room was ‘cleansed’ of our energies but in each I left a tiny gift for the incoming family to discover and was happy in the knowledge that the cottage would once again ring with life, laughter and love. It had always been my intention to sell first and buy later and if all had worked ideally, I would have rented a cottage belonging to a friend but that wasn’t to be. My youngest son Nick came to the rescue by offering to let me share his flat and his arrival that last day was an unbelievable relief and comfort. On a dark, dismal, very wet evening, with cars loaded to bursting point Nick went on ahead and I said goodbye to the home I’d loved, locked the door for the last time and drove in tears to the estate agents to deliver the keys. The journey across the Downs was challenging, I skidded once on a wet, leaf strewn road, managed with huge relief to regain control of the car and finally arrived at my son’s flat to a huge welcome, a delicious hot meal and a welcoming glass of wine. I’d done it and the future was unknown. After a lifetime of financial struggle I had no responsibilities and for a time at least, was an unbelievably and relatively wealthy woman!
Life experience four - Important decisions are best left until the time is right!
During the three months stay with Nick, I fell in love with a property in Wiltshire, a brand new leasehold eco home on a leisure complex and could see a whole new lifestyle evolving for me just three miles from my eldest son Simon and his lovely family. Everyone was delighted with the prospect and I began making decisions with the contractors about wall tiles, carpets, power points and the like. However, my solicitor viewed the prospect with less enthusiasm and a closer examination of the contract revealed many conditions that made the whole transaction untenable. Deeply disappointed, I withdrew from the negotiations and lost over £2,000.00 in the process, realising that I’d made a hasty decision based on emotions rather than clear headed rationality and had paid the price.
Life experience five - Home is where the heart is!
As an internal debate continued as to whether to leave my home area and move nearer to Simon, I discovered that distance lent perspective. Whilst difficult to imagine now, I’d become acutely aware of my own mortality, was physically and emotionally exhausted and could only think of a future of decline and need for support. Meanwhile there were responsibilities for the clubs I’d set up and I needed to be ‘back home’ several days a week. It was humbling to recognise and accept the wonderful support I received from all quarters and my dear sister and countless friends regularly welcomed me for cosy suppers, encouraging conversation and overnight accommodation. During those three months my relationships with just about everyone in my life deepened and whilst part of me felt the pull to leave everything behind and make a fresh start, I realised how much I’d be giving up by leaving everything that was familiar including wonderful friends, family and a network of contacts. Decision made I set about finding a house.
Estate agents love a customer who sells and buys through them so I was welcomed back with open arms. We arranged to view three properties, the first two of which failed to live up to my mental image. However the third, just two miles away from the cottage, yet far enough not to challenge my emotions, proved interesting. Totally different from my two hundred and fifty year old thatched cottage, this one was a three year old ‘town house’ in the country with three floors, all mod cons. Set in a small development of eighteen houses surrounded by communal shrub filled borders and lawn, the gardens were backed by mature oak trees. This time I took a level headed friend with me for a second viewing and subsequently made an offer considerably below the asking price but the maximum I could go to. To my utter amazement the offer was accepted the very next day and my future began to fall into place. Everything went smoothly and six weeks later, just two weeks before Christmas, I moved in.
Whilst the cottage had ceilings six feet high, in the new property the ceilings were considerably higher and none of my possessions were in proportion. There followed a whole year whilst I ‘got the feel’ of my new environment and worked towards creating a more elegant ambience. The sitting room lacked warmth and a focal point so a cream enamel wood burning stove was fitted for cosy winter evenings. Walls were repainted in lighter colours, cream wall to wall and floor to ceiling curtains fitted and the existing blue carpet changed for gold for greater harmony with my furnishings. All this took an unexpectedly long time to attain but it was exciting to be making a home that totally reflected my own preferences and little by little I added colour, cushion covers and other items until I was satisfied. Other rooms are continually being developed in a similar fashion and I have the satisfaction of knowing that all reflect my own development.
Life experience six - every day is an opportunity to grow!
In the early days of widowhood we seek diversion from our grief and loneliness and from the knowledge that we can’t bring our partner back. Those diversions turn our minds outwards, give us respite from inner torment and little by little hold our focus for just that little bit longer. As time passes we realise that we’re beginning to spend more time living rather than simply existing in a void and gradually little bits of light relief make life more tolerable. Each new challenge thrown at us encourages us to find inner strength, create solutions, learn from our experiences and find our identity as single and independent individuals. In the process we discover new strengths, skills, interests, desires and an awareness of our own preferences. Against that background I can now comprehend that should I ever want to enter into a new relationship, it’s really important for me to first know myself, to develop my own absorbing interests and to appreciate what is really important for my own equilibrium. I’m no longer the eighteen years old who was head over heels in love with and willing to follow my husband to the ends of the earth, but a mature woman with confidence, inner strength, independence and a lifestyle that’s evolving to suit my personality.
Life experience seven - become the catalyst for the change you’d like to see.
Although only a few miles from my former home and friends, the new abode could have been a million miles away. For the first six weeks I struggled with services, especially my telephone and Broad Band provider and the frustration was unbelievable. Situated in the middle of this small ‘close’ my neighbours either passed by me in their cars or because situated nearer the exit, never passed my door. On the day I moved in, one neighbour very kindly and thoughtfully welcomed me with a card and a poinsettia plant but other than that I saw or spoke to nobody! This was a comparatively new ‘community’, its residents having come from various different locations and there was little interaction between neighbours. Whilst appreciating everyone’s privacy I did feel there was a lack of communication and wondered what I could do to encourage it. The opportunity came a year later when my next door neighbour and I decided to invite everyone in for a pre-Christmas tea. Contrary to what I’d been led to believe, thirty people responded and come the day, my sitting room was overflowing with neighbourly goodwill. We discovered mutual interest, that between us we spanned many generations and all agreed that such a gathering was not only long overdue but should be the first of many. An invitation was extended for a buffet lunch the Sunday after Christmas, giving some of us the opportunity of further developing goodwill. At Easter I invited people in for a Good Friday home made Hot Cross Bun Breakfast and we have tentative plans for a BBQ, possibly to coincide with the Eden Project’s Big Lunch national street party project in July. Meanwhile, we take the time to walk across and chat to each other if the occasion arises and on balmy sunny evenings plan to enjoy a G&T or a beer together on the communal lawn. I sincerely hope that when new people arrive in the very near future, they will be warmly welcomed and soon feel part of our small community.
For a while it really upset me to pass my former home and to feel that if only I could open the front door and walk in, I could have my old life back but time has lent distance and now, with so much of myself woven into it, I feel very much ‘at home’ in the new house. The top floor has become my office and my sanctuary. Here I feel elevated from many of life’s stresses and can gaze out of the window to the South Downs in the distance. It’s here that I communicate by telephone and Internet with people all around the world, keep the website active and informative, write, rehearse music, meditate, curl up to read a good book or do research and allow more creativity to flow. On the middle floor bedrooms have been made welcoming for visitors and my own bedroom is a haven of tranquillity and beauty. The ground floor has presented some challenges but little by little I’m finding solutions to overcoming a lack of light and the sitting room is a comfortable yet elegant place for entertaining. Still to be ‘made over’ is the small patio garden but plans are afoot to enhance that and so far I’ve re-painted a garden swing seat and recovered the cushions and canopy using curtains bought from a local charity shop. Currently the hunt is on at car boot sales for many garden pots to be filled with fragrant herbs and summer colour.
Life experience eight - Everything happens gracefully in its own time.
I’m loving this stage of my life and living it to the full in the way that best suits me. A career or any paid occupation brings income but retirement brings a different kind of wealth, that of time! No longer rushing and tearing about to fit a hundred things into a day, life has a slower pace, like changing from fifth to third gear when driving, and I take time to feel into what’s right to do, be, buy, create etc. I think more carefully about options that present themselves or actively seek yet other alternatives. Little by little, hour by hour, day by day, week by week I’ve worked through my grief and loneliness, sometimes taking a step forward only to then take two backwards but always in the certain knowledge that life is what one makes of it. Sometimes I’ve been impatient but experience has shown me that everything happens at the right time, not just for me but for the whole universe. If there is any resistance I seek to find an alternative way or gracefully let go. When things are right, they have a habit of falling beautifully and effortlessly into place.
Returning to the theme of the ‘internal makeover’, on one level this may all seem incredibly self indulgent and yet, at peace with oneself, it opens doors to greater awareness of one’s place and purpose on the planet. What can be more beneficial to society than to have happy, fulfilled, independent people going gracefully about their business? If each of us can discover what it is that motivates and empowers us - our passion, and ways of manifesting that passion we cease to be driven by what other people want and have confidence in being truly ourselves. Whatever limitations we may have, there are always creative ways of turning a negative into a positive. This in turn reassures our families and friends who may have concerns for our welfare and helps free them up to manage their own life situations and to follow their own passions.
Life experience nine - Follow intuition
As grief lessened and I became more accustomed to living alone, it was interesting to observe how little glimpses of myself as an eighteen year old began to surface and I looked back at what I’d dreamed life might then have held for me. Early marriage cut short many of the dreams but interestingly they were only lying dormant, waiting for an opportunity to resurface. I have to say there was nothing surprising but more a need for recognition and re-assessment. At heart I’m a home-making family oriented person who enjoys the company of like-minded people and being involved in activities rather than observing. My leanings are towards the arts yet I have an interest in the sciences and all things natural. Little by little these observations have led me to become more involved in participative music, to expand my social circle globally, to honour my spirituality and to re-discover a childlike level of fascination that enables me to become so absorbed and joyful in an activity that it temporarily excludes out all else. I’m now listening attentively to my own intuition and heeding it!
So, on reflection I think I’ve had a very thorough ‘widowhood makeover’ and whilst never ceasing to miss my husband and others dear to me, have rebuilt my life in a way that perhaps they would have expected of me but would also be proud of. My contribution to society is reflected in the Widowed World website, the community music I engage in, involvement with the pursuance of global harmony and my availability for my nearest and dearest. I love my home, enjoy the convenience of driving a car of my choice, share good and not so good times with family and friends, have a lot of fun making amateur films, count myself very fortunate in many ways and make each day count.
Life experience ten - Life really is what you make it!
I’ve learned that life can never truly be lived through another. It’s only when I become fully who I am that I can even begin to know how my life could be shared on an equal footing with any other person. I know that I always have choices and whilst I may seek advice or other opinions, the ultimate decision and subsequent outcomes are or will be mine alone. The last five years have been spent working towards becoming the ‘individual’ I am today and I know I’ll continue to evolve and grow until my dying day. My life today is what I’ve made it and I’m happy with it. Change is all around us and we can dig our heels in and stay in the past or live for today, go with the flow and rejoice in diversity and opportunity.
This has been my personal journey and my New Life Makeover’ but for each widowed person it will be a different journey and a different makeover. The important thing is to let it happen in the way that is right for you!
Jacquie Clarke
Widowed World