Ten suggestions for coping positively with the loneliness of bereavement
Early widow(er)hood often leaves us with feelings of emptiness, aloneness and loneliness. People in the street are largely unaware of our emotional vulnerability, we appear to be surrounded by couples who unwittingly compound our sense of loss and unwillingly acquired single status, and somehow, there seem to be far more hours in the day and night than there ever were before. We may also begin to recognize just how many hours we spent with our partner doing little more than enjoy companionable silence as we each went about our daily activities. It’s these times that seem hardest to fill, but they are the very times when we can quietly begin to consider our future. Life is ever evolving and as one stage of it comes to an end there is inevitably another waiting to evolve. We can choose whether to cling to the past, to old habits, attitudes, beliefs, actions etc. or use the precious time of ‘resting’ to shape a new life for ourselves and develop aspects of our personalities previously untapped.
The following ten suggestions can be used in numerous ways. You might like to dip in and select one at random to provide food for thought; they can be used as daily mantras or affirmations by copying them out one at a time and sticking them up around the house where you’ll read them throughout the day. You could use them as headings for journal entries, assisting you to get thoughts, ideas and feelings down on paper or perhaps use them to start a discussion with empathetic friends. You can probably come up with even more creative ways. Choose to think positive!
The Loneliness of Bereavement represents -
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A time of and for re-evaluation of what’s fundamentally important to my future life.
Life is ever evolving and what felt right even a few days ago may no longer be serving its purpose. Widow(er)hood can feel a bit like peeling an onion – it makes you cry – but as each layer of ‘previous lifestyle’ dissolves away, you get closer and closer to the very essence and uniqueness of you as a truly miraculous ’individual’. Are there any aspects of your life and belief system that are actually no longer relevant and can gently be set aside?
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A state of void, bursting with potential for new attitudes and activities.
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It provides me with impetus for creative thinking and action.
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It encourages my inner growth, strength, resourcefulness and the embracing of personal power – I get to choose what’s right for me and learn to say ‘no’ if it isn’t.
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It helps protect me and give me time to heal.
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It’s a time to be ME and to indulge in my favourite activities.
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It helps me find what really fires me with enthusiasm and to bring it alive!
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It opens up opportunities to make new friends and acquaintances or to make contact with some with whom I’ve lost touch.
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It provides me with time to plan a brighter future.
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It creates opportunities to explore what loneliness actually means and to find positive ways of overcoming it.
What attitudes are you holding onto because they’ve evolved over years as a necessary compromise within a relationship, or even had their origins in the attitudes of your parents? What things excite you and are there activities that you always longed to do but never quite got around to? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t do them now, in this 21st century, in a new way?
How about cutting out inspiring articles or ideas that appeal to you and keeping them in a folder. By setting aside some time to explore what each of these cuttings mean to you and to look for common threads, other thoughts and ideas may be triggered and perhaps even bubbles of energy or excitement begin to stir within you. These could lead you in a whole new direction?
To begin with, try taking on life a little at a time – an hour, a day, a weekend, and plan life around that. Perhaps write lists of things to do, including some that give you personal pleasure, and tick them off as you do them. You’ll be amazed at what you actually achieve and will have a greater sense of control over your life. Be pro-active in getting things done but recognise the things you can’t yet cope with – and find somebody who can! There’s no point in overburdening yourself unnecessarily or becoming frustrated or exhausted. Ask for help if necessary instead of trying to do it all alone.
There will always be somebody worse off than you and helping them may take the focus off your own negative feelings and emotions. However this is a time for taking good care of yourself, being kind to yourself, and graciously saying ’no’ to anything that demands more of your time or energy than you are easily able to give. It helps to read inspiring books or watch TV programmes/videos/films of people who’ve overcome great odds to make a difference to their own lives.
It’s sometimes difficult to give ourselves permission to do things we’d quite like to do, especially those our partner or even family or friends might have discouraged or not wholeheartedly approved of. This is the time to be assertive, recognize your own needs and embrace them if they take you out of yourself and give you pleasure. Try writing a list of things you’d like to do, add to it as ideas pop into your mind and make plans to do some of them.
Choose something appealing from your list of activities. Make yourself comfortable then imagine it in full colour, three-dimensionally, smell, touch, taste and hear it, explore the emotions connected to it such as excitement, sense of adventure, amusement or achievement – and then make it happen!
Explore ‘What’s On’ pages in local newspapers and even on the Internet, read college prospectuses for interesting courses and workshops, do a search of interests on the Internet to find ideas for new organizations and opportunities to become involved with. Have a look through your address book or Christmas card list and see if there is anyone there you could get in touch with. Just a ‘phone call to an old friend can brighten your day and might brighten theirs too.
Planning helps to fill gaps in the days ahead and to build in future activities and outings that give pleasure, a sense of purpose or fulfillment. Choose a day of the week to plan ahead – Sunday evening is a good time – and write it down in your diary or on a planning sheet. Things won’t always go according to plan and we all need flexibility, but it will provide a focus for the days ahead. Having something to look forward to like a coach trip or planning something either side of an emotive anniversary helps take the emphasis away from the actual occasion.
Loneliness means different things to different people. Only by exploring and understanding what it means to you can you begin to make changes. Life without one’s partner can never be the same, but, given time and a positive outlook, it can become fulfilling and rewarding again.
Is it time to consider a move to different accommodation or location; would a lodger ease the loneliness and bring additional income to allow for more outings or entertaining; would a job or voluntary work (especially at weekends) make life easier! Take hold of the situation and make it work for you. Grieving and the state of bereavement can’t be hurried but that doesn’t mean you have to spend every minute of the day in sorrow and solitary confinement, dwelling on the past. Whilst respecting your grief you can also allow yourself to look to the future.